PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
