If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
