I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
