the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She swung at the pinata with crutches
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
