why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
