I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
