Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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