I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
