he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
