Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
