i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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