so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
