Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
