you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
