so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
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