He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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