she was so not down for the gang bang
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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