i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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