I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
