why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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