im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
