Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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