I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
