I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
