We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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