you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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