He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
