All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
