I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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