my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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