Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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