It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
