I wish I only lived at night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
