I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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