for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
