Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
