Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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