RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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