i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
