nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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