i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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