Pants 0. Shit 1.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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