This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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