At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
