Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
