Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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