I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
