I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
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