u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
