I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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